I like to think I can take constructive criticism like a man. But the truth is, I don’t.
I take it like a woman and over-think it to death.
I chew on it. I weigh WHO the person is that gave me the feedback. I decide if the person has the street cred to speak into my life. Do I even care what they think? Do I respect them? Should I take the plugs of denial out of ears?
As a writer I can get lot’s of feedback (both positive and negative) so I have to be careful of the “truths” I choose to accept or believe. I think that’s just plain old wisdom. I got torched for some stuff I wrote years ago on the detriments of porn to healthy dating. Yeah-never touching that hornets nest again.
But what happens when you get a “constructive comment” that rings eerily true?
And it stings all the more because the person who gave me the insight passes muster on all of the above. They only want the best for me and they are a trusted authority. Therefore, I should probably listen to this nugget.
(Insert bad word)
So what’s my problem?
Apparently, I have a low tolerance for stupid people.
Ouch! Just saying that out loud turns my face red, makes me want to hide, cast my eyes downward and avoid your potential condemnation.
Because obviously you think I’m an asshole. OMG, isn’t she the wife of a pastor? Yes…I am and I sin too. Dang it! Stop imaginary judging me.
I know, I get it… I’m supposed to be in ministry and be loving and kind and float around on marshmallow clouds of NICE. But I guess my wings slipped.
When I say “stupid” I’m not referring to those who are intellectually challenged. (I’m not that big of a jerk) I’m talking about the little nuances that I define as “stupid”–like rudeness, disrespect, low self-awareness, and vulgarity. Basically, stupid behavior by smart people gets under my skin. I believe the way in which someone conducts oneself speaks volumes and so I struggle when I see unsavory behavior and I become less patient with these people.
I guess I have high expectations and maybe a big boulder in my eye when it comes to my own junk (and I can probably work on that too).
So…how does one gain this gentleness of spirit and tolerance with people that drive them up a wall?
What I’m learning is that real patience means not giving up too soon and writing them off. I need to keep trying to connect with people in different ways. Even though it might take ten different approaches, eventually one will stick and then bamm…the “stupid” behavior goes away because I’m speaking their love language.
I’ve been digging into my heart and trying to pull out the reasons why I’m so impatient–let those go–and add on new disciplines.
Like so many, I think I’m pretty hard on myself, so if I want to give others more grace I first have to extend it to myself. Lowering my expectations also helps. Sylvia Plath said, “If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.” Got it Sylvia. My expectations will be lower than low. I’m going to limbo instead of walk.
I’m also working very hard at taking nothing personally. I will not be offendible. I will embrace this freedom and become immune to other people’s actions. My super power will be CHILL. Watch out y ‘all, the difficult people can not touch my bubble of peace.
NOT MY MONKEY, NOT MY CIRCUS! My cousin reminds me of this line and I always chant it when I get stressed. I am not responsible for the actions of others; I am only responsible for me. I do not have to break up the fight on the playground (I’ve done that) or take responsibility for other’s peoples stuff.
Last and most important, I will remember that God is gracious with me, always compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in love.
And despite my idiot nature and impatience, He still loves me.
Recently I had a breakthrough with a person who frustrated me and drove me freaking bonkers. All of a sudden, with a different approach our relationship clicked and I saw the magic of extended grace. Had I given up and written this person off I would have missed the beauty of connecting. It was a sweet encouragement for me and a reminder of God’s grace for me and his people.
So, I will continue to fight this good fight, confess, pray and embrace this struggle. And it will be a struggle people, because I have plenty of opportunities to work on this area.
–Samantha
