I was thirty-two when a frog kissed me and I magically turned into a single person. All of a sudden the veil of married person apathy lifted and I saw all the stuff that whizzed past me before –namely how church wasn’t all that much fun when you’re flying solo.
It really hit me the first time I had to go church all by myself. With my new single vision goggles I realized how intimidating it is to even walk in the worship center a la carte. If you stand at the door for more than a minute it becomes apparent you are missing half of your species. It reminds me of Noah’s Ark. In the couples go, two by two, a pair of every kind.
And there you stand, all awkward with a cup of coffee grasped like a lifeline, so you have something cool to do –like sip, pretending that being alone is a choice and not a condition.
Once in the sanctuary I would sit and listen to a sermon geared towards a nuclear family –now it might be a dysfunctional nuclear family, but spiritual metaphors were generally culled from a conflict with a spouse, teen angst or making amends with a cranky neighbor. As a single mom in a condo, just trying to survive and get my kids to school on time without losing my marbles…it was a little tough to relate.
The pastor would generally poke at the singles over thirty. He would remind us we were too picky, not that awesome of a catch anyway, and urge us to get our “sparkly act” together (i.e. get in shape, smile more, and stop being weird).
Strangely enough, church wasn’t a safe place when I was single. It made me feel even more lonely and sad. And single is such a strange description these days for an unmarried person because people under thirty do not consider themselves single –they identify themselves as young with options. It’s the over thirty folks who wake up one day and says “Jinkies, I’m starting to get old and I’m still alone.”
And this is when you realize you are single.
Ironically over half the church population is unmarried and I would reckon many of these people feel like the unwanted step-children at their church. This isn’t a blanket statement and I know there are vibrant, single people who flourish at church, but I hear the hearts of many more singles that are floundering and can’t comprehend why the church seems to turn its back on this group.
I have a few theories –though I imagine there are a multitude of reasons.
Most Sr. Pastor’s Can’t Relate
First, most Sr. Pastors and pastors in general marry young. And even though I agree with the theology of marrying young and growing old together, it doesn’t happen for everyone. People make mistakes, we have broken “pickers” and divorce happens, even to good Christians.
Our culture has deceived us into believing we need to postpone marriage until we have our lives figured out –money in the bank, a big house, and a great job. But when the lure of having it all together evades us due to job loss, college debt and a bad economy, we are left with shattered dreams and without the proper tools to move dating relationships towards marriage.
Most Sr. Pastor’s do not understand what it’s like to walk in the shoes of a thirty something perched on a stool at Starbucks waiting for their thirty-fourth date from E-Harmony and hoping…praying, maybe, just maybe this is the one.
Preaching to the Bread and Butter
This one might bite but I’m going to say it anyway. Generally speaking, singles do not have a reputation for tithing as much as married people do. The Barna Group in a recent study on Trends in Tithing and Donating revealed only 1% of single unmarried adults give money to the church. So, if I’m a Sr. Pastor trying to keep the doors open, I would probably direct my time, resources and metaphors to the married couples. Sad but true.
The Church is Aging
There is a new initiative in church circles to go after the younger twenty-something generation because the church population at large is aging, waning and turning grayer by the minute. But this younger generation does not consider themselves to be “single,” –remember? So, the thirties and forties “Singles” groups are being discarded to make way for this “attract the Christian youth movement.”
It doesn’t help that young people are turned off by single references, they perceive singles ministry to be lame, and despise any reference to the fact that they are alone (because they are young with options). And the savvy churches who don’t want to go extinct are going after this younger group with a passion. Which unfortunately…leaves the single thirties and forties high and dry.
The Lost Generation
Singles Gen-X’ers somehow got lost in the middle. It’s a sandwich demographic that has been usurped by aging baby boomers and a push to be relevant to the hipster post-post modern generation. Many churches are getting rid of their single ministries for the very reasons I stated above. In the “Simple Church” model we are all one church ministering to each other as a community and I believe this to be true in parts –through Sunday worship, volunteer service and outreach to the poor and needy.
And while we don’t want to recreate life stage ministries that take away from this united church community, it still doesn’t take away the desire for new mommies to want to connect with new mommies and not talk about menopause with the hot flashers, and couples who want to engage with other couples, and most importantly –the unmarried population, whether they recognize they are “single” or not who want to meet and connect with other people in their life-stage.
Combating these issues isn’t boiled down into one easy fix; it’s a battle we all must engage in. First –the church is responsible for speaking and ministering to the needs of the single person (51% of the population) and moving towards them with care and compassion, second –singles need to recognize the lure of the world doesn’t lead to “happily ever after,” and third, we as a community of Christ followers need to encourage, embrace and stand up for marriage –and give singles a reason to even want to move towards this relationship.
