They say women are complicated. And I agree—wholeheartedly—but I don’t think men are as simple as some suggest.
It’s not just sex, food and more sex that makes a man tick.
There’s something else I can’t put my finger on. All I know is that I don’t know what it is.
But it’s there—the man thing.
On Sunday, I sit in the back of a pre-marital class my husband runs waiting with the kids for him to wrap up so we can go to lunch.
Tim is moderating a talk on personality differences.
The speaker is Dr. Edward Mendez (my favorite counselor) but I wasn’t paying attention because I’ve heard this talk many times by now. (Sorry Buddy)
But then, Dr. Mendez speaks words I haven’t heard before.
“One of the most thrilling things I’ve ever heard from my wife other than “let’s get it on” is “I study you.”
What?
I stopped and held my breath. What does that mean?
“I study you…”
This is what excites a man?
To be studied?
For Dr. Mendez, this means his wife spends time trying to understand him–to know him, to research and delve deeply into his emotions and heart.
She cares enough to go the extra mile and understand his personality and what makes him tick.
Oh noooo…I think. This is way harder than sex and cooking.
I’m not so good at this part.
I’ve got some issues here.
My dad was, at times, a very difficult man to get along with as I grew up. And although he changed into a gentle guy at the end of his life, in the early years his explosive anger often shut me down into a turtle shell of self-protection.
And sadly, old wounds linger and seep into adulthood.
Sometimes, when my defense goes up, I retreat. I stop trying to know my husband and understand him. I hide in my turtle shell and refuse to come out.
And honestly (God forgive me) I don’t always believe the best about my man.
The next day Tim and I work on a project together. Its three days past deadline, but with our busy schedule and Homecoming high school drama we were left overwrought and without ANY margin this weekend. Finally we sit down and address it.
Tim was tense—short even—and snippy with me.
I am light-hearted for about an hour. Then I get weary of being nice to a grump.
And Everything in me wants to power up and launch back surly for surly.
But then I think about Dr. Mendez’s words and instead of moving to the defense, I carefully measure my words and watch him.
I stay neutral. I don’t retreat or engage. I study him like a history book.
Once we hit send on the project, a huge smile crosses over his face.
“Ahhh babe, Now I can relax and be with you,” Tim sighs.
His countenance changes—storm clouds to sunshine—and he picks up my hand and squeezes it.
And I realize his terse behavior isn’t about me at all—it’s about the task at hand.
Holy cow!!! I learn something new about this man.
What you see with Tim (his behavior) is not necessarily what’s going on under the surface.
This is super ironic because I’m tumultuous inside and calm as a cucumber on the outside.
We are polar opposites when it comes to expressing emotion.
It would be easy for me to write off my husband off as over-reactive (and honestly, easy for him to dismiss me as a non-emotive ice cube.)
But when I take the time to study him–to look closer and read his cues, I see another story.
I see a different personality than mine, certainly, but a man with good motives who loves and cherishes me but operates very differently.
It’s evening now. I lay beneath his feet by the sofa, reclining back. Tim plays with my hair for a solid hour as we watch the Patriots get whooped on by the Chiefs.
And despite the fact our fantasy football team (the amazing Ladera Lambyasoures) is losing because the Patriots defense is a bust, I purr like a happy kitten as Tim speaks my love language of affection.
This studying thing was a good investment because I’m pretty sure if I had been bitchy back, I wouldn’t have gotten the princess treatment later.
Maybe men are not so complicated.
Maybe all my man needs is sex, good food, more sex and a woman who truly seeks to KNOW him.
If only I could get this right more often!
Thanks Dr. Mendez…
–Samantha
How do you study your spouse or significant other?
