There are days when my prayers seem like a hard bounce, not unlike the weighted medicine ball I throw at the wall of my gym, that sucker just shoots back at me heavier than before.
“Rescue me Lord, help this situation, heal this relationship, change this circumstance…”
Bounce. Bounce. Bounce.
And I hear crickets. Or worse, a strong sense that this Holy Spirit Silence means I am to surrender.
“What?” I don’t like that word.
I know I’m not alone when I feel like throwing a mini-tantrum. Why oh why is life so hard sometimes? It’s so good and yet it’s so freaking hard!
The truth is that troubling circumstances test our faith. Job loss, relational discord, family drama, health concerns…they all tempt us to doubt, to fear, to wonder if we are loved. God, do you even see me?
Yesterday, I woke before dawn. Dragged my butt to the gym and came home to read and pray before the cares of the world screamed for my attention (namely packing lunches, backpacks and dance bags).
My quiet time is sacred and I NEED these moments. Don’t mess with Mama when she’s praying.
I thanked God for the trials. I thanked him for the gifts of pain that make me cling to Him. I thanked him with an aching heart for the things I don’t understand. And for a soul restoring thirty minutes I rested in His peace.
Then the shit storm hit.
And it came hard and fast. Troubling emails from a client, texts I didn’t want to open, news that hurt. The reality of painful situations raised their ugly head and it wasn’t long before I broke. Tears held back for too long erupted. I’m the girl who rarely cries, but when I do it’s like a dam erupting. Sobs and hiccups and streaky mascara runneth over.
And I ask myself again for the four thousandth time, God what am I supposed to learn here?
One thing that God keeps drumming into my head is my broken thinking. It’s so easy to focus on the problem instead of the one who solves my problems.
Maybe God wants to change my mind not my circumstances.
I’m pretty sure that sometimes my misery is because of the way I approach a situation more than it is the situation itself. If I hold on to a negative mindset, it just compounds the problem. I chase the pain. If I think the worst, I see the worst. If I think a situation is hopeless, then I believe it is.
My friend texts me Philippians 4:8. It is a reminder to focus on the good. To train my thoughts like I train my body at the gym. No one wants the suffering of the workout, but we all want the rocking body.
In the same vein, we all want the peace that surpasses all understanding but forget that its in the trials and the tribulations where our faith is exercised and our minds are trained to think on the good–not Jason Bourne every disaster like I’m inclined to do.
Maybe God also wants to change my heart?
Some circumstances might last WAY too long. I know I struggle with this one. Like many of you I have some deep wounds that get triggered. I carry resentment built up over the years when an injustice drags on and on. And yet…I don’t believe God allows these difficult trials and situations in my life to make me bitter or angry. He is teaching me to forgive seventy times seven. Not be a doormat certainly, but not to hold on to the pain either.
Anger over the past doesn’t change you for the better, it only magnifies the brokenness. A hard heart is worse than any circumstance you face. I don’t know about you, but I do not want to be the angry old lady going postal on a clerk at Walmart because I haven’t dealt with my junk.
I try to remind myself that surrender might simply be one prayer of forgiveness at a time. One day at a time. One plank I pull out of my own eye before I look for the sliver in yours.
Training my thoughts is a daily battle. Sometimes I blow it hard and sometimes I feel the small victories that no one notices but me. I imagine Jesus giving me a high five. “Nice job Sam, you didn’t get butt hurt over that jab at work. I’m so proud of you baby girl.”
We have to remember this journey of following Jesus is hard. We want the easy way. I want the land of milk and honey (or wine and tacos) without the battle to overcome the enemy. And that’s faulty thinking because there is no promised land without a grueling journey.
This peace I am after only comes if I’m willing to pursue it. And we need one another for encouragement and a hand to help us back up when we fall.
I can just make out Taco Tuesday over the next hill. Are you with me?
–Samantha
