We almost had to file a police report. Our jovial and loving pre-teen son seemed to have disappeared. And to make matters worse, the perpetrator replaced my darling child with a defiant, sullen, and entitled kid with a decided mean streak. So, we called for backup and fell to our knees begging God for the return of our son.
I also pulled out Boundaries with Teens, by John Townsend and cracked the cover. I bought it a while back, anticipating such a time as this and knowing I would need all the help I could get(I know, I know, there are moments where I seem a little less blonde).
As far as rules go, we try to keep it simple in our home. There are three biggies we enforce religiously that best define our family’s values. This is not in some pastor’s manual, it’s simply the Keller’s trying to figure out how to be parents and not screw up our kids.
The Rules are: respect, honesty and obedience.
If the kid is disrespectful, they lose a dollar out of their allowance. If they are disobedient they get fifteen minutes of extra chores and if they lie, we take away dessert for two weeks or skinny jeans depending on the child. So far, the baby has only had a time-out but we expect great things from her spunky and independent little spirit (translation: strong-willed child).
But Kyle was blowing through all the biggies in minutes. Something had to be done. So, for the first time we implemented the full grounding of said child. No friends, no social engagements, no phone, no texting, no Mac, and no fun for a solid week with an option for two. We also took away the teen dances he loves to attend, indefinitely, until his two B’s find their way back into the A range. This is not because we are Tiger mom and dad, but because we know he is capable.
And something amazing happened…our son has returned home. It took a few days, but he seems to have come around (at least for now), and I am happy to report the book works! I am hoping(and praying) as Kyle re-enters society he will not turn into Mr. Nasty again, but I am more than willing to put him back on restriction again(less driving him around, more help around the house…the benefits could go on and on). I’m sure this is just the first of many battles and it scares the spit out of me if I dwell on it too long.
I think the biggest lesson from the book is that freedom is earned and respect is a non-negotiable. To give our son boundaries is truly a gift for the both of us. He enjoys newfound responsibility and we have an amiable son navigating the path to adulthood.
Tone matters. Demeanor matters. When I watch kids treat their parents like morons my heart aches. I don’t believe it has to be this way.
Most of all, seeing his smile again matters to me. And at least for this week, I’ve got my boy back again.
