My husband and I always have the same conversation at weddings.
“Purity or shacking up?” my husband whispers.
I carefully examine the bride. If she scowls or looks grumpy, it’s a no brainer-“they’ve slept together.” If she cries walking down the aisle, I know immediately –“sex.” But if she floats down on cloud nine, gallops down with a goofy grin, or smiles like a Cheshire cat it’s just as obvious –“no sex” I exclaim.
It’s a gift I have, this radar for purity and wantonness (possibly because I’ve worn both pairs of shoes).
I can always tell at weddings if the couple has already consummated the relationship. In marriages where sex is as common as brushing teeth, or better yet –flossing, the wedding is the denouement or the culmination of the relationship.
These are the “bridezillas” who display a freakish sense of control over every tiny detail. And it has to be perfect because the big day is about as good as it gets for her.
But for the bride who has a honeymoon to look forward to, a real honeymoon with a slow deliberate unveiling, a full vacation of exploring her beloved’s body, and a once in a lifetime retreat to connect physically with a man she has yearned and waited for, the wedding is just a step towards a new life together.
All things are fresh and new to the couple who has waited to have sex. But I remember all too well, waking up the day after I married my first husband.
My exorbitantly overpriced bridal frock was crumpled on the chair, the carriage carted off and the ice sculptures melted along with my enthusiasm. I thought I would feel differently once married, and I did, somewhat, but the disparity was more of an anticlimactic disappointment.
Just to clarify, It had nothing to do with love or committment to the marriage. I had both, but by acting married before I was married, I stole my own joy before it’s time, like a kid waking up on Christmas morning and knowing what’s under the tree because they snuck a peek when mom wasn’t looking.
It’s what so many couples do when they play house before the ring is on the finger, forgetting the repercussions which inevitably follow namely a boring honeymoon.
Been there…done that…BIG YAWN.
To compensate for the lack of awesomeness a honeymoon used to symbolize, the new trend according to the New York Times, is to take a “buddymoon “and bring the family and friends along.
W. Bradford Wilcox, a sociologist and the director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia notes…
“Today, when about 65 percent of couple’s cohabitate prior to marriage, the honeymoon is less likely to be a major turning point in their relationship,” said Professor Wilcox. “For them, I think having friends come along is less of a big deal and in some ways makes it more of a special and exceptional occasion.”
By taking the “honey” out of honeymoon, couples enter marriage already disenchanted enough with each other to need outside entertainment. Thus they need “buddies” to get them through the hump of spending one week alone with the person they have just chosen to spend the rest of their lives with.
And this new trend makes me sad.
I think we –as a culture are losing a precious rite of passage by robbing OURSELVES of a once in a lifetime opportunity to revel in our spouse.
Tim and I treasured our three-week honeymoon to the Mediterranean. We loved, we laughed and we made new and amazing friends, who as fellow honeymooners shared our fledgling memories.
I believe in my heart that part of the reason my first relationship didn’t work out is because we didn’t hold our purity in high regard. Because we had sex prior to marriage, it clearly made it easier for my ex-husband to have sex with someone else while we were married. With God’s grace, I got a second chance to do it right and chose purity for my relationship with Tim…and it changed everything.
The second time around, I practically ran down the aisle (dragging my dad) to join my groom. People commented they had never seen a smile as big and bright as my beam. I didn’t notice the flower arch met an untimely crack, or the misplaced name cards or any of the other minor details that were far from perfect.
All I saw was my honey. And no offense to my buddies, but we did just fine without you.
Would you consider a buddymoon?
Modified from an article first posted on Kellerdating
