There are many reasons to wait for sex –good reasons, lame reasons, and even churchy reasons. But there aren’t many compelling reasons to actually deter most of us from the dirty deed.
Sex feels good and life is hard enough, so goshdangdarnit, what kind of overbearing big brother meanie wants to take away all our fun any-who?
I never had to deal with all the Christian angst of dating the first time around. I was just a big old sinner. After a solid year in a sorority much of my anxiety swirling around sex dissipated. I determined I was a decent person “morally,” compared to the other slutty coeds, because I reserved sex solely for relationships (which might have included friends with benefits too).
I picked up my ex-husband in a bar when I was twenty-one. Three and a half years later we married and sometime in between meeting him and saying “I do,” I fell in love again and brought another guy into the relationship.
It was Jesus.
About a year into the whole Christian dealio, I tried to get on board with the fire and brimstone “purity” message I heard preached at my church –apparently to scare all the singles into behavior modification. So I tentatively asked my (then) fiancé if we could cease having sex and wait until we were married to resume our intimacy.
He vehemently said “no,” Ummmm. Ok.
Ten years later when my ex-husband departed into the arms of another woman and left me with two small children I finally got my chance to try dating as a Christian.
But I don’t know if I was in any way more prepared despite the Christian sticker on my bumper.
Yes…I had given my heart and soul to Jesus. I knew all the Bible verses, taught women’s Bible studies and was even enrolled in seminary. And yet I still slipped up in the sex area.
I wanted to honor God. I earnestly tried HARD in my dating relationships to avoid sex. And it worked –once. I was in one relationship where we were both committed to purity and didn’t compromise (and then I found out he was still “technically” married and that ended fast). But the other five relationships, during my time as a single Christian woman were a little murkier. We might not have had intercourse, but then again President Clinton redefined modern sex anyway, right?
When I met Tim Keller, now my darling hubby, I was living in this wishy-washy land of sexual compromise. I wanted to be pure but I’m not sure I believed it was even possible. I didn’t meet many men, even supposed good Christian men, who actually walked the talk.
Pastor Tim Keller was an anomaly –an attractive single straight man of thirty-six years who didn’t grab my boobs on the second date. And even though he wasn’t wealthy from a worldly perspective, usually a non-negotiable in my materialistic heart, he was hot, clearly loved Jesus and had CHARACTER (something lacking in most of the men I dated).
When Tim asked me to be his girlfriend, about five weeks after we started dating, he slipped a purity ring on my finger and fell to one knee. He implored me, “to wait for him, to wait for God to bless our relationship, and to give “us” a chance to build true intimacy without sex complicating things.”
It sounded like a lot of waiting and I’m not that patient.
And so I freaked out (internally of course) and smiled and cried tears of sheer terror, thinking “How in the heck am I going to remain sexually pure when this man is so yummy?”
Tim also told me he had a zero tolerance policy for error. If we messed this up: (A) he would not marry me, and (B) he would resign from the church for moral failure.
Now I didn’t want the poor man to lose his job, but dangling the condition of “sex=no wedding” really sealed the deal. I was head over heels in love with Tim by then and I wanted to marry this man so bad I would wear a habit and chastity belt with a big lock impervious to his washboard abs if I had to.
But something drastic happened to me during our fifteen month courtship. Something so radical it rocked me to the core.
First, I became aware of how often I pushed to be physical because I needed reassurance that Tim cared for me and was committed to the relationship. I saw how I used my sexuality to manipulate, to hold power over and to get the attention I desperately craved.
Without sex I had to learn how to ask for what I needed. I was able to see how Tim treated me even when I didn’t meet all his physical needs, what it meant to work out our problems with no “make-up sex” to gloss over the deeper issues, and I had to learn how to compromise –because I couldn’t hold out on the booty to get what I wanted.
Poor Tim! I tempted him in the beginning. I was so bad. I wore a pink string bikini to a singles ski retreat we both attended and had the audacity to rock it at the hot tub –heathen temptress that I am. But he held fast, kept his hands to himself and didn’t get out of the Jacuzzi for a very long time.
And slowly I realized by his not being physical, he was actually showing me he loved me.
Real love. Not SEX/LOVE…the kind of love that holds your hand when you are losing the fight to cancer. It’s love that sees beauty under the wrinkles and bald spots. It’s love that protects and heals and cherishes. It’s the sort of love that doesn’t leave when it gets tough and its old people in the park holding hands kind of love.
And Tim was telling me by his behavior I was worth waiting for. With every smile he told me I was a beautiful treasure and he would not steal from me until it was time to enjoy this gift from God –within a committed marriage relationship.
And somewhere along the way I started to buy into it. (Not so easy when you have abandonment issues) And I saw, really saw, for the first time in my life the way God sees me.
Valuable. Treasured. Worth dying for.
And I believed it –because someone showed me a glimpse of the divine.
Purity isn’t just about being a good Christian and playing by the rules. It’s about treating another human being with dignity and respect, even when they don’t deserve it.
Purity restored me.
I am a different person because of my husband. Tim Keller walked the talk.
And maybe God tells us to wait for sex not because he’s mean, but because he loves us more than we love ourselves.
Sounds like a compelling reason to me.
