It’s not like she didn’t warn me.
I heard a tiny mew, barely above a whisper from the baby, “mama, poop.”
I didn’t smell anything, so I figured it was a false alarm.
Or maybe I was in denial. We were having so much fun scarfing down sticky cinnamon buns, delicate tea sandwiches, and rice crispy treats dipped in white chocolate at the American Girl Doll Salon to give it much thought.
That is, until I picked up the baby to take her to the bathroom.
That’s when I realized she wasn’t kidding. Her little poop was not so little. Think of a Carrie type explosion, but browner than blood and much lumpier.
Why is it only at the finest (AKA ritzy and overpriced) dining establishments that my baby has a butt explosion worthy of natural disaster?
I tried ever so subtly to carry her through the dining room, with her bum in the air, dripping poo, and somehow remain elegant and unfazed. The waiters passed me with disdain and all the fancy women and little girls in lovely frocks turned up their noses as I walked by.
Once I got to the bathroom, I laid my little angel down on the changing pad and assessed the damage. As I pulled off her diaper cover, poop splattered the wall.
All the little girls were pointing and screaming, “stinky!”
AAHHHH YES, the joy of motherhood!
Then the big decision, do I even attempt to salvage her cute little purple panties?
I quickly stuffed them in the trash. Then I used a whole bag of wipes to give a sponge bath. I fished out some extra clothes from her diaper bag and got her dressed.
Then washed my hands and arms and feet. That’s right I said feet.
It was a humbling moment to say the least.
I expected more of the demeaning looks on the way back to the table, but since we had been gone so long, the entire restaurant had cleared from the late-afternoon seating.
There sat my husband at the table all alone. He glanced up and gave me a weak smile trying to feign empathy that simply doesn’t exist. He had that “I’m so glad it wasn’t me who had to deal with this crap” look.
And we laughed until we couldn’t laugh anymore.
Because sometimes, (quite frankly) shit happens to the best of us.
