“I keep waiting for the phone call,” I whisper to my husband as we snuggle in bed early one morn, reluctant to get up, get going, and start the day
Tim rolls over and pulls me close to him, “What phone call?”
“You know the one where they tell me, ‘We don’t really think you’re ready to be out in public yet.”
“Who’s they?” he asks.
“They are out there—the judgers.
Tim’s chest starts shaking, and my head, burrowed in his neck region—eyes cast downward—bobs up and down with his peals of laughter.
“Honey, no one is going to call you. They might think you’re a little sad and introspective, which is normal for your situation, but I don’t think they’ll pick up the phone and call you out on it.”
I pout, “You never know, they might.”
………………………….
Despite his words of encouragement, I feel this way on the tough days—vulnerable and raw—like my soul was scratched by a stubbly three-day-old beard.
I know it takes time—the grief cycle cannot be short-changed. But I can’t keep avoiding people until I decide I am normal again.
(Normal, meaning “not obviously sad”)
So I decide to sign for a women’s bible study and stop hiding from the “judger’s I conjure up in my mind.
I’m tentative in the group. I hold back at first, then talk too much. I cry. I tell them I just lost my mom. I tell them I just lost my dad. I hiccup. I’m a mess.
But no one calls and tells me not to come back, so I show up again.
We are reading Ann Voskamp’s “One Thousand Gifts.”
The study is about living in Eucharist Deo—joy through thanksgiving.
I’m intimidated—one thousand gifts—that’s a lot of gratitude for a temporarily melancholy girl.
Can I make a list of that many gifts? My thanker might be a little beat up–cancer and atrophic brain disease have a way of doing that.
Can I open my eyes wide enough (in the midst of pain) to see that both the suffering and the blessings come from the same hand?
I pray against my inner skeptic and the creeping doubts whispering “this chick is nonsense” in my ear.
But I stay. I listen. I try not to laugh at the weird parts in the video (Ann is a wee bit eccentric) and I force myself to engage, stop rolling my eyes and open up.
Maybe she’s on to something?
So I start a gratitude list because that’s what my homework tells me to do.
Sam’s gifts
#1. I didn’t cry today
#2. Jasmine tea steaming in a mug when it’s 100 degrees outside with the air conditioner on. (another heat wave in So Cal)
The first 20 are hard. Then it flows.
It doesn’t take long—maybe a week or so? And something starts to change in my spirit. The seed of joy burrows in, roots deep, and waits for me to water it.
Time slows, just a tiny bit. Probably because I am forced to stop and notice the details.
#23. the blooming of my garden
#24. the hot sun warming my toes
#25. the abusive Santa Ana winds that make me spend more time in my garden watering. Oh shucks!
I notice I have to be EXTRA aware. More present. If I focus on the past too much or the future I miss the present—the gifts are right now.
#56. the tiny lizard running by my feet as I type on the porch
#57. the sounds of my husband puttering around the garden setting rat traps to protect our tomatoes.
#58. my daughter Faith slams the door—home from school. She will be out here soon, bugging me, asking if we can watch a Hallmark movie together—her favorite treat.
………….
Today at Starbucks, they remember my name.
I stare at my cup.
SAM
Three little letters that fill me with ridiculous joy.
SAM
They didn’t ask me for my name or my credit card. They just knew me and my drink.
#100. the SAM cup makes me RIDICULOUSLY happy.
It’s a gift.
I am known.
And I praise God who creates community. Even this microcosmic Starbucks community—this hodge podge crew of baristas and caffeine addicts that accept me and love me despite the fact that I usually hog the leather chair next to the outlet.
#127 My tall Americano with room
#128 My comfy chair that I share (almost never) with other Starbucks peeps
#129 The friendly dad’s with the local sports page in hand who root for my son on the football field and chat up sports with me.
All of these go on the list
………
I scroll through Facebook and all of a sudden there’s a picture of my dad staring back at me.
What?
A family friend posted a picture of him (from last year) posing with their daughter Emmy (whom my parent’s adored) at her graduation.
Dad’s smiling his dad smile. Emmy is in her her robe and honors swag looking gorgeous. My step-mom Fran is proud of this sweet girl who spent her high school years living with them. And they are so happy.
It’s out of the blue. And whack, I am stunned with emotion.
The tears jump like crickets out of my eyes and wet the keyboard–plop, plop, plop.
I stop, I look, and I remember my daddy—all the joy and the love and yes, even the sorrow.
#201 …And I thank God for this gift even though it hurts.
Ok, Ann Voskamp, you got my attention.
