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Not So Dirty Words

My elegant and always beautiful mother got on my case today for being redundant (which is a plight worse than death to a connoisseur of words). Apparently I’ve been using the word “crap” too much as of late –which is sort of funny because it’s not even the word I want to use.

“Crap” is an interim word –my Nicorette alternative to the real bad word which got me into hot water with the religious right who think I should be excommunicated for swearing.

So, I’m in this wishy-washy wasteland of trying to clean up my potty mouth and it’s not a pretty place to be. There aren’t that many words to describe my angst and sometimes the perfect word is a bad word and all I have to replace it is –the stupid “C” word. Oh, man there it again.

I’ve therefore decided to do some alternative bad word research and compile the greatest list known to mankind. (Parents: This is a PG-13 Rated List for slightly disturbing animal references and words that sound bad but aren’t)

Sam’s Not So Bad Word List

  1. Cursed Monkey Parts
  2. “Fargin Bastiges” (from Johnny Dangerously)
  3. Jack Wagon (one of my personal favorites)
  4. Crike
  5. Shazbot
  6. Son of a Biscuit
  7. Jiminy Hee Haw
  8. Shut the Front Door!
  9. Cheese and Rice
  10. What the Fish?
  11. “F,” or “eff”
  12. Pickle you Kumquat
  13. You IceHole!
  14. Drat
  15. Nuts
  16. Fark
  17. Sufferin Sucatash (Bugs Bunny)
  18. Ai Caramba/ Ai Chihuahua
  19. Son of Batches
  20. Blasted Tarnation
  21. Putain
  22. Mofakka
  23. Peanut Butter Bone Head (my personal creation)
  24. Blankhole
  25. Motherblanker
  26. “Oh Kelly Clarkson” (from 40 Year-old Virgin)
  27. arugula
  28. “faaaaaaaaaa”
  29. Poop on a Stick
  30. “inbreeders”
  31. shiitake mushrooms
  32. Dag gum it
  33. Bugger
  34. Badwordbadwordbadword
  35. Poo
  36. Jiminy Crickets
  37. William Shatner
  38. Rat Bastard
  39. Abominable Puss-Bucket
  40. Duck Sticker
  41. Cockadoodie used by the malevolent Annie Wilkes as an alternative for cursing in Stephen King’s novel Misery
  42. Catastrophuck A situation (i.e. a poorly planned, under-manned, under-equipped, mismanaged war) that reaches a point of horrific disarray. — from “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” (10/3/06)
  43. You “Lando” (meaning “sell out” from Empire Strikes Back)
  44. Jinkies (Scooby Doo)
  45. Leaf Licker (Land Before Time)
  46. Mary-Jane rotten-crotch – from R. Lee Ermey in Full Metal Jacket (my husband thinks this line is hilarious but it’s borderline gross)
  47. Uranus (love this!!!!)
  48. Nutsucker (a baby squirrel)
  49. Sugar Honey Iced Tea – from the movie Madagascar. An acronym of the dreaded “S” word.
  50. Wrinklies – refers to…well, umm, the lower man parts –from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, episode School Hard.

Now I have no excuse mom, because I can use one of these fine descriptive words. The “C” word is OFFICIALLY retired!

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Just Cracking Up Over Here

Check out my awesome boa!
 
I am having one of those icky-sicky days where I sound like a barking seal and feel like snotty slug.  But sometimes we have to buck up and get through these crap days.  I find that laughing is always the best medicine.
So, I decided to share some of my favorite silly finds of the day so you can share in my folly (or misery if you have no sense of humor).
How about some cat humor?
 

Source: popurls.com via Samantha on Pinterest

 

 

I’m on pins and needles waiting for him to say “boo!”

 

I think I saw a lady on Balboa Island with this little guy.  He was in a stroller.

 

Little offbeat humor here…for weird moms like me who know Goodnight Moon by heart.

 

I totally relate!  I’m a July baby.  It stinks man! And because I’m close to the 4th of July, people always give me sparklers as a gift.  What’s up with that?

Source: imgur.com via Samantha on Pinterest

 

Baby Charlie Brown…I love it!  All he needs is a crappy ornament!

 

This is so twisted and sick it’s kinda funny! He looks like a young Dexter.

I hope I made you grin! 

Much love…Sam

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My super-power is…

A woman came up to me last week at my son’s football game and said all in a rush, “I just discovered your blog and I’m like totally addicted and I had no idea you were so hysterical because in real life, you’re just, you know, the pastor’s wife. And, I’m not saying you’re dull or anything, but you’re not like all-out there in your face funny. And I really love your writing. I really do.”

“Uhhh, thanks,” I replied sheepishly.

I stood there with a dumb smile on my face not sure whether I should be flattered or insulted. And while I appreciate that she thinks I’m a funny writer, there’s this part of me, some striving little girl in legwarmers from the 1980’s that wants to be funny in public too (even though I’m most decidedly not).

I’m the girl who’s a bit socially awkward. I can fake twinkly gaiety and confidence around crowds for a set period of time, but I’m generally exhausted afterward (unlike my extroverted husband who’s like the energizer bunny).

I’d rather get to know a few people well at social occasions. I like deep probing discourse and intellectual stimulation. Smalltalk is death to me and what’s with the church hug? (I never know what’s appropriate) Either go in for the bear hug or go home-just don’t go in halfway and awkwardly hit my boob.

I am deeply envious of those quick witted folks who are stand-up comics on the fly. My friend-pastor Jeff Maguire is like that.  His body language alone makes me snort and blow corn out of my nose. I can laugh just thinking about him.

One time at a wedding, Jeff was out on the dance floor showing off his Rico Suave moves, when this little old lady inquired about him. “Is that young man a professional dancer or a comedienne?”

“Actually,” I replied. “He’s a pastor.”

Which has to be the least funny job of all time, right? It’s like we lay down our right to be a sarcastic on the altar of religion.

I love it when people find out I’m the pastor’s wife and this look of horror comes over their face. “Oh no, I just had a beer in front of you (or said a bad word, or talked about sex).”

Once the cat’s out of the bag, people stand up straighter, tell me how they should go to church more often, and then tell me how they are more spiritual than religious. It’s like we have to get the confessions out of the way and I have to make the sign of the cross over them before we can really get to know each other.

I met a unique young woman at a blogging conference recently who struggles with bi-polar tendencies. She was transparent and funny and I found her irresistible. She named her blog “Crazy is my super-power.”  I love it when people take their weakness and turn it around (with God’s grace) to be a force of strength and encouragement.

So I guess I’m a bit like Clark Kent-really, and my alter-ego is cooler than my regular gal aura.

And might I suggest that my super-power is funny and maybe that’s good enough. (Because even though Superman is awesome, Clark Kent isn’t cool, but we love him anyway)

But if I make you laugh hard enough to pee or snort corn, please let me know…comments make me deleriously happy.

What’s your Super-Power?

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