My beautiful messy storytelling life
Here is our first of four video blogs about dating now viewing on Christian Mingle…
(The first one was rejected by the editors because yours truly used a slang word for oral sex.)
I know, I know…Sam we can’t take you anywhere!
After some magical editing, I am now fit to be shown in middle America.
Let me know what you think.
Blessings,
Samantha
A friend called the other day as I wolfed down a salad with my hubby at a nearby restaurant. In between bites, I listened to his sorry tale of a date gone AWKWARD.
And as Tim and I laughed with (and at) our friend’s awful tale, I remembered how hard it is to date and how Really hard it is to find good prospects.
As my friend described his date, I heard him say over and over, “but she’s so pretty,” as if it were an excuse for her rotten behavior.
I heard the longing in his heart for a real relationship but I couldn’t overlook the tacky elephant in the room despite how totally gorgeous the elephant was.
So here is how it went down: Our buddy invites a “hot” woman to coffee. At some point on the way to the first meet-up, the woman texts him and switches the location to a fine dining establishment. She then proceeds to order filet mignon, a huge beer which she guzzles down, burps and then hands him the bill.
In my book, that type of behavior is just plain old rude.
But in my friend’s mind he excused her bad behavior because of her beauty.
Why?
Because her beauty fed his need for validation as a man.
(And maybe it also gives him good material for his schtick)
So where do we look to for our self-worth?
Is it outside of us (the world) or inside?
And when is enough ever enough?
Now my friend is a very smart and ridiculously talented guy. He works in the entertainment industry but lives within a modest income so he can give back to the community. He is secretly one of the more philanthropic people I know and spends hours upon hours every week helping the poor and needy. His heart is pure gold—and despite his penchant for pretty women who treat him badly, he is a real catch.
But his fatal flaw is a broken picker based on a broken self-worth.
He picks beautiful mean women.
And he knows better. But he justifies.
Because in his eyes pretty covers a multitude of sins.
Let me state the obvious–beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes down deep to the bone.
Big boobs have no connection to a big heart. Just saying.
This chick was bone ugly—let’s call her BUGLY. And BUGLY exploits her beauty to use men.
BUGLY is not what a good man needs. He might think he wants it—like junk food, or a 12 pack or a binge on porn…but in the end it leaves a huge gaping void.
We feel depleted, missing something…sad. What should have made us feel good made us feel worse the day after.
When she doesn’t text you back. When she only calls because she’s hungry or has nothing better to do.
Anytime we look to outward things—materialism, image, power—to find our identity, we miss out on the intangible things our hearts truly crave—love and relationship.
God alone determines our self-worth. We are image bearers of the King, fully loved, and fully accepted despite our brokenness. We don’t need to prove anything to anyone.
Let others play this stupid game. No one ever wins. All the toys and egos go back in the box when the game is over.
No hot chick, hook-up, affair, rich man, big house, power job or perfect children will satisfy this void in our heart.
We can look our entire lives for the elusive something to fill the gaping hole in our heart s—a hole that God designed specifically to draw us close to him.
In the absence of relationship we turn to things to fill the gap.
But things only leave us wanting more and more.
I reckon someday my friend will get fed up of dating b-yatches and cry uncle to Jesus.
He’ll say, “God you take the wheel and bring me your woman.”
And then he will sit down with an attractive woman who doesn’t meet the world’s standards of beauty but has a light all her own. She will order a cup of coffee and that’s it. Period.
And she will dazzle him with her character and humor, integrity and kindness.
And suddenly he will find out what real beauty is—God working through ordinary relationship making the simple moments of life extraordinary.
*I know there are conventionally beautiful and “hot” women out there that are amazing AND kind. I am blessed to know plenty of them! I’m merely addressing the mean girls who use their super-powers to dupe men.
I’ve never really understood how “visual” men are when it comes to being attracted to the opposite sex. Maybe it’s because I’m a woman and my metrics for measuring up a dude are vastly different. Sure, looks played a part in my overall decision-making process but it was never a deal-breaker if the guy had other stellar qualities.
(*note: my husband’s hotness was a bonus on top of his other attributes)
But when I saw a new study in the OC Register the other day, I had an epiphany. The article, titled –Women aren’t looking for an unemployed man, online dating service’s survey discovers, suggests single men without a job are lonelier than the Maytag repairman as 73% of women refuse to consider dating an unemployed man.
(For those too young to remember, Maytag had an ad campaign showing a lonely repair man in his shop insinuating their washers and dryers rarely break…)
And then it hit me why men date hot chicks who have the brain cell capacity of a flea – it’s because men are wired to be visual in the exact same way women are wired to seek financial security from a mate.
Tit for Tat. Hot Chicks vs Cold Hard Cash. Show me the Money vs DD Cup Size
Jokes aside, I have to believe it’s how God designed us. Despite feminism and women’s rights, the truth is most women feel vulnerable when they are pregnant or raising small children and a husband with an adequate income allows her to focus on nurturing and caring for her young without the burden of financial stress.
I know this all too well because when I was single mom the financial stress was OVERWHELMING. But once I got remarried, the burden lifted. I still had to go to work and provide but it felt more manageable with a partner. I don’t believe women are designed to carry the financial burden alone. We can do it (and some do it very well) but it doesn’t sit well on our frame just as most men struggle to get up at night with baby. They can certainly do it but it mommy does it so much better with a smile and a song instead of bad words from a cranky and grumbling daddy.
The male focus on visual aesthetics is not just immaturity. According to Dr. Phil McGraw, it’s a “psychosocial, biochemical and neurological gap—so trying to get a man to function according to female standards is like trying to get a pig to fly. It’s just not going to happen. That old but often accurate notion that men are hunters seems especially applicable here.”
A man who can provide a roof over a woman’s head and put food on the table is a good catch. A man who will take a job at Starbucks, or parking cars or get up every morning and apply for a hundred jobs in a bad economy is a treasure indeed.
A woman who takes care of herself and others, has a sweet spirit and big smile (though she may not be a super-model) is still a beauty. A woman who follows God, is faithful and true and loves without barriers is ravishing. And a woman who is physically appealing on the outside but nasty on the inside is not worth the misery of a dreadful marriage, or worse yet, an expensive divorce.
I think it’s time we stop complaining how men only like hot chicks and women only want guys with a job and instead start redefining what real beauty and real provision actually are.
And maybe we need to fix our broken “pickers” so we spot the real jewels when we find them.
Is your “picker” in need of some fine-tuning?
Leaning back into the patio chair at Starbucks Ladera Ranch, I took a big gulp of frothy yumminess and released a contented sigh. AAAAAHHHHHHH!
Faith caught my eye as she intently focused on my drink. She looked perplexed. “Mommy, you’re cup says Jason on it.”
I looked down in horror and snorted in laughter. It was true. On the outside of my skinny mocha frapachino with whip was a name that was most definitely not mine.
But I knew it was my drink. I saw the guy make it just the way I like it, it was simply a case of mucked up identity. It was my drink but not my name.
Unfortunately, I was too embarrassed to tell Jason I snarfed the whole thing down.
And while the incident was stupid and dumb and funny it also brought to mind a reader’s question –How long should you date someone?
It’s not an obvious connection- wrong name, mocha frap, mistaken identity??? (But stay with me here for relevance)
I considered some of the past dating relationships I’ve been involved in where I messed up my own drink –figuratively speaking. I messed up my identity by pretending to be someone or something I’m not. It was me in the relationship, but not the best parts of me. And there was a guy, but did I really know him?
My best (or possibly worst) experience with this lack of knowing was when I dated Mr. B (it stands for bad word) for a mere four months.
Mr. B was a producer. He was wealthy, maintained a powerful edge in the entertainment business, and he showered me with clothes, and Mahnilo Blahniks, and the life of the flouncy flouncy. And I got sucked into the vortex of all things material and shallow for a time.
Our relationship came to a head one night at a ritzy restaurant with Mr. B on his knees holding out an engagement ring. I stared at him in shock. Ironically, I thought this is what I wanted until it actually came to pass.
I didn’t say no. I didn’t say yes. I did worse than no…I hesitated.
And in a weird Holy Spirit minute where time stood still, the four months of our brief relationship flashed before my eyes. I saw laughter and luxury and a carefree existence, but I also saw glimpses of impending darkness. I remembered Mr. B berating a waitress, Mr. B hounding me with text messages when he didn’t know where I was, and one horrible evening when Mr.B picked on my son for crying. I saw a guy who went to church with me but didn’t share my faith. And I saw a future of selling my soul for box seats at a Lakers game.
And so I hesitated.
Mr. B jumped up and ripped my arm out of the seat. He screamed at me, “It’s the Jesus thing, isn’t it? I’ll never be good enough for you?”
I looked out the window as he drove me home and thanked God for saving me from possibly the worst mistake of my life.
“Yes, it’s the Jesus thing. (And I secretly thought an A-hole thing too).”
It was the last time I would see him. But I discovered an “oh so important lesson” about dating that night. Getting to know someone takes time. There are no shortcuts on this one. Generally speaking, happily ever after doesn’t exist when you get married by Elvis in Vegas. And even if you stay married for the rest of your life, you will more than likely doubt your hasty decision.
People can pretend to be anyone for a few months. Usually it’s just little lies –like girls pretending to enjoy camping and endless afternoons at sports bars (when they are secretly bored to tears) and after a while the truth leaks out she’d rather go shopping. Guys pretend to be sensitive and attentive to a woman every need and then reality bites hard when she becomes a football widow at the first kickoff in August. Typically, after the first six weeks, the cracks start to show and hints of people’s true personalities emerge. But skilled deceivers can last up to three or four months.
When my husband and I were dating, Tim was advised by a well respected Christian counselor to spend as much time as possible with me. The reasoning behind this was to see how I operated under different circumstances. And in turn, I got to see how Tim dealt with the stresses of life.
We were also advised to date through all four seasons –one full year of getting to know each other through the good, the bad and the ugly.
And it certainly wasn’t all pretty. During our first year of dating, we experienced together: job loss, two moves, a home sale, health issues (me), a cross country road trip with two little kids, pre-marital classes (before we were engaged), holidays with family, a crazy mission trip, vacations with family, 38 planned dates, and plenty of time with our respective friends. Dating wasn’t just dating; it had become a mission to get to know each other.
At the end of each season we celebrated with a special night out and Tim gave me a “season charm” to be placed on a dating bracelet he had given me after our first winter together. It was an intentional move on Tim’s part that both honored our time together and held out hope for a future with one another.
By the time Tim proposed at the end of the first year -we knew each other intimately and the only secret I wasn’t in on was a surprise proposal.
This time when Tim dropped to a knee in front of my parents, children and sixty of our closest friends I hollered out a resounding “yes” through tears of joy. There was no hesitation!
It was fifteen months from first date to the altar. And then a whole new way of knowing each other began. But the foundation had been built on rock and not the shallow sands of compromise.
Don’t cheat yourself on the knowing.
Marriage isn’t the time to find out he or she has got another personality, a gambling addiction, or a secret love child and garnished wages –dating is ♥
