My phone started blowing up at 4:30 am. One of my dearest loved ones was struggling in a volatile relational problem. There were tears and frustration, misunderstandings and emotional turmoil. I listened and soothed, tried to bring the conversation back to solutions and did my best to empathize and find clarity.
Don’t you just love waking up in the dark to DRAMA?
Instead of my 5:15 am workout I sat on my bed, consumed large amounts of coffee and pulled every psychotherapist trick I knew from up my sleeve. Mostly I listened and repeated back. Fortunately, after years of counseling it feels like I could start my own practice. It’s just the self-application that I find wee bit challenging!
But as I listened to my darling’s sobs, I heard something in her story that resonated closely with mine, and I dared to ask the question.
Why is she giving so much space in her life to this toxic person? And then it hit me…Is it possible I am too?
I pondered my previous evening. A friend asked me about a situation I’m struggling with and I went down the rabbit hole and complained for a solid five minutes.
Wait…what?
You would think I know better. I work hard to be a solution finder not a whiner.
But the truth is, sometimes I forget to take my own medicine. It’s not easy to turn your back on relationships built over time with established patterns and dynamics. People are rarely all bad or all good. I’ve often been guilty of choosing to see only the good and glossing over the darker stuff, to my own detriment.
And yet if we don’t set our boundaries firmly, we allow people negative influence over the way we think, feel, and behave.
There’s a scene from The Princess Diaries I often hold onto when I’m discouraged.
Princess Mia’s best friend Lilly goes off on her in a mini tirade. It was anger fueled by frustration from feeling left out, envy at Mia’s flowy hair and sweet makeover, and a million other things young girls feel. And it all poured out on Mia and left her in tears.
After Lily stomps off, the bodyguard Joe turns to Mia and quotes Eleanor Roosevelt.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Joe…you are so freaking wise!
Sometimes the putdowns are subtle. It’s a little stab here and there. Maybe you change the way you behave around certain people because you don’t want to cause waves, but it doesn’t impact your life too much. Until one day it does. And you explode.
Or maybe it’s a big thing. Someone is openly hostile and creating an abusive and toxic exchange. Perhaps you are allowing a person’s anger and criticism to take a serious toll on your well-being. It’s creating anxiety and unrest in your spirit. You have lost your peace.
I knew what I heard on the phone this morning was just that. My dearest had lost her freaking peace. And I knew as I counseled her that I was really encouraging myself too. Because in my own scenario, the subtle harassment is starting to wear thin and my peace blew out the window a week ago.
I needed to apply some Bodyguard Joe bandaids to both of us.
Here’s what I know but often forget.
The more time, effort and energy you spend venting about people, the more space you allow them to occupy in your life. Generally I try to give my offenses and judgments to God every morning, but I know when I’m holding onto something too tightly it starts to seep out in life and conversations. Now I’m judging the people who are judging me.
That’s when it’s time to get guidance and look for solutions. Call a safe friend or a counselor. Do something productive instead of stewing. Make a plan. So before you wallow in a 20-minute dissertation about how much you dislike that annoying person or how awful your ex is, think about the fact that you’ll be devoting even more time and energy to them.
That’s a sobering thought, right? Do you really want to waste YOUR precious mojo on them? I don’t think so!
There’s about a million other things to choose to use your time and energy on that are way cooler and definitely more positive.
Last, I pray for them and TRY to remember that they are hurting too.
Hurt people hurt people. Repeat. Hurt people hurt people.
We are all the same, simply trying to find purpose, meaning and happiness along the way and when we lose our way–we lash out and project our pain onto others.
But I do know this all too well…
Your life isn’t yours if you are constantly caring about what others think.
So…I am going to take back that five minutes, (or 20) if you please, and use it for something good. I’ll use my words to bless and lift up and not tear down.
I’m thinking a girl’s movie night is on the agenda. A little popcorn and some Princess Diaries should do the trick.
Dear friends, our words matter, our self-worth is already determined, and we are all daughters and sons of the King. We just have to remember we are all in this together, dig deep for empathy and be that friend who will reach out to straighten your besties crowns when they accidentally let it slip.
–Samantha
