When Tim and I wed the kids and I moved temporarily into his bachelor pad condo with the view of the waves. At the time, we were looking for a home to buy and figured it would only take a few months to navigate the home buying process.
We were wrong.
We packed up all the kids’ toys –the Barbie Guitar, the Lego’s and the Nintendo. All we brought was our clothes, a few books and the lizard –Sean.
But our three-month tour turned into a two-year stay.
Now Tim had a pretty nice shack for a single dude. The condo had two large bedrooms and an enormous living space all remodeled and state of the art. There should have been enough room. But Tim had been single for thirty-six years and all of a sudden he had to make room in his life and his heart for three more (four with the lizard).
Initially, he cleared out a few shelves for me. After I whined pitifully, he gave the kids a broom closet (less than three feet across and about two feet deep), a dresser to share and then finally cleared out another half-closet for his new bride. He continued to occupy the walk-in closet, three dressers and the hall closet.
I tried not to make a fuss and make do with this simple and pared down living style. I don’t have a ton of clothes because I tend to spend my money on the kids and books anyway, and I knew how hard it was for Tim to go from single (AKA self-absorbed) to married and sharing everything.
But when I got pregnant with Kolby everything changed.
We were still tied-up in a never-ending escrow –eight long months from beginning to end –and didn’t know if we were going to bring the baby home to our new house or squeeze her into the condo. My nesting instincts were kicking in to high gear and that’s when I went ballistic.
“I don’t even have a drawer for the baby’s clothes! Wahhhhhhhhhhhh!
A torrent of tears erupted and two years of frustration poured out of Tim’s sweet little wife. I threw a pillow at him and some baby socks and wailed like an abandoned child at the mall.
Tim learned a good lesson that illustrious day.
- Learning to share starts before you get married.
- Living alone is not the best way to prepare for marriage.
- Never deny a woman closet space even if she says its fine –inside she is pissed.
- When starting out a new marriage, if at all possible, it’s best to move into a neutral space. The truth is, the kids and I felt like visitors and Tim felt invaded. A neutral space right off the bat would have alleviated much of the turmoil.
Tim sent me this article by Mark Driscoll and it made me laugh because we experienced some of this in our relationship and its good advice. “5 Ways to Move from Selfish to Servant as a Single.”
(FYI…It’s not an endorsement. I agree with about 79% of his stuff and the rest I abhor, so basically I’m conflicted about the dude)
I would add a few things…
Four (More) Ways to Move from Selfish to Servant as a Single (to Prepare for Marriage)
1. Get a roommate
My husband feels strongly about this one. Tim always had a roommate until the last few months before our marriage and even then it was hard for him. Guys-specifically get weird living alone. In a vacuum of no accountability men will act like boys(X-box, porn, endless sports). Women collect cats. And you don’t have to share. Living with people is important for mental health, accountability as a Christian and future interactions with a spouse.
2. Volunteer with small children or teens.
It will give you perspective on irrational human beings and you will be better prepared for parenting and marriage.
3. Stop hoarding
Pare down your wardrobe. Instead of collecting things to gather dust –collect experiences and friendships. Give away unnecessary stuff to people who need it and will use it.
4. Learn time management now
Even as a single mom with two munchkins I had more time than as a married mother of three. Every relationship takes time and energy. If you are struggling to balance time as a single person it will only get worse when you get married.
Do you have any more tips to move from selfish to servant to prepare for marriage?
