I used to be a dating expert. Let’s emphasize the words “used to.”
I know being a dating expert sounds bizarre, sort of like Will Smith in the movie Hitch, but I speak the truth. Honest Abe! A few years ago, I pushed out three articles a week for Christian Mingle for well over a year and a half. By the end of my run, I had tapped into every story and metaphor I could muster up, I started repeating myself, and the dating well ran dry. It was then time to move on to a new topic-something easier, like parenting teens.
Strangely enough, after all the advice I dished out so liberally, dating again in my forties is nothing like what I remember as a young single mom. Now I’m a salty and seasoned single mom, nowhere near as desperate, and far more confident in my ability to tell an unsavory character where the flipping door is.
But dating again after divorce didn’t sound very fun. Actually, It felt like one of those named holiday workouts at Crossfit. Dating was the “Murph” in my mind. Absolutely EXHAUSTING. I mean I didn’t want to be alone forever but the effort to do anything about it was beyond me.
I certainly had plenty of time to contemplate being single again and the thought of putting myself out there again during the quarantine. I considered doing a dating app but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. One day my friend Emmy and I looked at the Facebook dating app and I almost gagged.
I can’t. I just can’t.
No way. I bargained with God. If you want me to go out with someone you will have to make it happen. I’m done with men. Bumble me that Jesus.
And then I met my sweetheart. In a conference room at work, not thinking about dating at all. The only thing I remember about meeting him the first time was commenting to my friends that he looked like Clark Kent and he was hot and barely talked. I don’t remember anything else. (sorry babe)
You might know him as “taco guy” because I wrote about him a few blogs ago. Truthfully, our first date was a bit of a disaster. I was probably not ready to date yet and nervous as heck. I wanted to wear flip flops (as if that could channel a calm vibe) but my college age daughter convinced me to wear heels and step it up a notch. I had a sunburned foot, I was guarded, and I was cranky as crap that night. Such a charmer.
I basically jumped out at the curb and ran to my door at the end of the evening. It’s amazing he came back for more.
Fortunately, the man is persistent. He sent me cute Bitmoji’s and a picture of my favorite bottle of wine and slowly wore me down with his sweet and thoughtful nature.
A few weeks later he convinced me to go out again. And this time everything changed. Our second date was like two different people meeting. I dropped my armor, he relaxed and asked a ton of questions, he listened carefully (that’s like crack to a woman) and we both leaned in as something magical happened.
The first time he kissed me I knew I was in trouble. They say a woman can tell everything she needs to know about a man from the first smooch. Is there chemistry? Is he in a rush or does he take his time? Gentle or aggressive? Appreciative? Confident? Good hygiene? Intuitive?
The list could go on and on. When you kiss, you can’t explain to your partner what you’re looking for with words. You have to use body language which is probably more honest about your true intentions.
And not to brag…but he kissed REAL good.
And I was scared. Scared of dating again. Scared of all the awkward firsts. Of opening my heart. Scared of getting hurt, of abandonment, of boundary pushing, addictions, control and a million other “what if’s”. Brene Brown calls these moments “FFT’s.” Sorry to be crass here, but it stands for “Fucking First Times.”
FFT’s are those scary awkward first time moments in life where we get all weird and turn into weenies. Brene recommends naming it and embracing the awkward. When we accept that we are out of our league and overwhelmed it takes away the power of fear to disable us.
Dating “taco guy” was my FFT moment.
I don’t think I’ve ever been more intentional about praying over each and every date. The poor man! I had about a million unspoken hoops he had to jump through. I would set a litmus test each time with God before we went out and somehow he passed every time. The dude must have an inside track with Jesus too.
“Ok God, my counselor said the important things are faith and self awareness. So, let’s see if he is emotionally mature.”
On the first date he told me he thought one of the most important things is that people are “self aware.”
I just about fell out of my seat.
On the fourth date he asked if he could attend my new church with me after I had literally prayed earlier in the day over that exact thing. So he’s smart, sexy, wants to go to church with me and self-aware? Hmmmm…
Another day I was on the freeway praying over him and the car in front of me came to a quick stop. The license plate said “Gods1Plan.” Ummmm…ok. I guess taco guy get’s another date.
Each “one more date”, I was ever so carefully opening a little bit of my heart. And watching and learning more about him. While we certainly have a long way to go, I’m finally at the point where I’m ready to see where it will take us.
Last weekend, a few months into this dating adventure, I prayed once again and told the Lord I was ready for the girlfriend discussion. That very evening this darling man grabbed my hand and asked if he could call me his girlfriend.
Seriously Lord? Could you be any more clear with me?
He’s probably reading this right now and thinking, “I had no idea your heart was so complicated woman.” LOL
So, if you see me out with a big strong handsome man, don’t be surprised. Apparently God isn’t. And if you see a huge cheesy ass grin on my face it’s because I’m happy and filled with an unshakable joy trusting that sometimes God’s plan is better than my own. That faith has better returns than fear and now I know that my sweetheart was praying about me too, back in that conference room in January.
And I guess I’m a girlfriend now. No dating app necessary.
