Christmas started early in my home this year. Normally I’m a vigilant proponent of keeping all things merry and bright until after Thanksgiving, mainly because I don’t want to gloss over the idea of celebrating a full day of gratitude. But this year, oh 2020, I will make an exception for you.
My youngest child started dishing guilt in mid November. “Mommy, it’s been such a tough year. The divorce and all…remote learning, Covid, and protests, and then geez…the elections. Mommy, we REALLY need to put the tree up and get a new elf for the apartment.”
Ok, seriously kid? Divorce guilt is the worst. Except for Elf guilt. That spit is stink, stank, stunk. I already had a love/hate relationship with hazel the Elf who lived at my old house with Kolby’s dad. I left her there for a reason. I was hoping to alleviate the terror of waking up at zero dark thirty and running like a banshee to hide the elf.
But the horrible feeling of letting my child experience an inadequate childhood sets in and I find myself at Target the next day searching for an elf girl.
I pick out a cute elf, but now another problem arises…I have to dress her in an elf outfit and that’s even more money headed to the North Pole. I know they come with a red skin outfit on, but let’s be honest, it looks indecent, so I get her a snowflake tutu and a scarf to up her elf game. I don’t want any naked elves in my house hiding in corners.
I bring her home and we adopt her, which means we log onto the elf website and give away even more of our digital identity to a website probably selling our data. In return, we get formal elf adoption papers and name her Belle, because our favorite Disney princess is the nerdy chick who reads voraciously (and yeah I know she had Stockholm syndrome and fell in love with her captor all all, but all the Disney characters are all screwed up, so pick your poison).
I make a note to hide Belle and put in on the Keurig. As a single mom, I’m the only elf handler in the house so I can’t screw this up. And my kid already knows about Santa now, so it’s really me being judged here, I can’t even blame it on the housekeeper who might have touched the elf if I forget to hide it.
The next morning Belle was artfully arranged on top of the Oreo’s with a cookie in hand. I can’t wait to see my kid’s reaction but Kolby barely glanced at it.
Hhhhmmmm? That’s weird. So, the next day, I get more creative and the elf has a little Starbucks in hand.
Oh yeah, I’m nailing this elf crap.
But once again, Kolby seems non-plussed.
Later that evening as we watch a Christmas movie next to our sparkling pre-Thanksgiving tree, I inquire about her lack of elf excitement.
Kolby shrugs her shoulders, “Mom, our elf is a little boring.”
What? Low blow kid. Low blow.
“Ok. I’ll work on it.” I smile and snuggle her, pretending to watch the sappy Hallmark movie but inside I’m having a mini-meltdown.
The next morning at my 5:15am HIIT class in a dark parking lot, I share my woes and ask my fellow workout buddies about their elf experiences. Rich shakes his head, “Yeah, that little elf A$$h@LE isn’t coming out until after Thanksgiving!”
And I laugh until my insides hurt, because he’s right. This stupid little elf is a symbol of the oppressively hyped up social media world we live in where we give our kids the right to judge our elf competency and parents kill themselves to create an image that’s worthy to pin on Instagram. Is this really about Christmas? How does this teach my kid about giving and loving? Because all I feel is guilt and that doesn’t sound like a nice gift at all.
Oh, but I am not done. Nobody puts my elf baby in the corner!
The next week I artistically labor to make my elf so spectacular my kid will have to react and she will have something of note to text her friends. One day we have a spider elf climbing the wall. Another day my elf is having a snowball fight. She plays football on Friday and then the coup d’état, she is found under the mistletoe kissing Santa on the cheek.
This is my best yet!
Kolby reacts like it’s elf porn.
“Mom, oh…yuck! I need our elf to calm down. She can just hide like a normal elf for a few days. I’m tired of having to give you some awesome reaction every morning, it’s exhausting.”
Can I get a ELF-yeah y’all? I just wore my kid down and now when she wakes up I can just toss the elf across the room when she’s not looking.
Like a normal flipping elf!
Score one for Mommy!
Merry Christmas!
–Sam
Image Source: https://www.pexels.com/photo/snow-winter-tree-gift-6119903/
