I woke up today and randomly decided to check a new box on social media. The girlfriend box. Who knew I was unleashing the Kracken?
I got lots and lots of messages. Private messages. Tons of encouragement. Some disapproval. Questions. And yes, shamed. Ouch!
All because I checked a box that said “in a relationship.”
The funny thing is, no one seemed to notice or message me when I checked “separated” a year ago or even “divorced.” Weird?
(I guess the shame button is on delay mode?)
Last spring, I started writing about my divorce journey. Then I dove into dating again and my first dates with “taco guy.” I wrote about falling in love and the risk of opening my heart. I wrote through the tears and the snot and the joy of starting over. This has been a long, long process after years of counseling, not a fly by the seat of my pants decision. Through it all, after all the ups and downs, I can’t tell you how grateful I am for second chances and for finding a man who simply feels like home to me.
But maybe it’s a shock to those that missed the news and just saw it pop up while they were scrolling through their feed? I’d probably be shocked too.
I do find it interesting though, why we all so badly want to know what went wrong?
And I’m adding myself into this question because it’s true of me too.
Not necessarily in my divorce, I got that figured out, but in all divorce scenarios. Our brains want to wrap themselves around concepts that makes sense.
Is she…(insert word) ?
Bad. Good. Abuser. Cheater. Materialistic. Addict. Bitch. Controlling. Co-dependent.
Was it him?
dun, dun, duhhhh…
I love the show “Christina on the Coast.” I’ve followed Christina through her “Flip or Flop” days and then onto her next show. I watched her get divorced, navigate single motherhood, get engaged and then married and then pregnant. And when she announced her sudden divorce to Ant Anstead I felt all discombobulated. I wanted to know why, dang it! What happened to their love story?
Believe it or not, I’ve Googled this multiple times.
Now is this ANY of my business? No. Do I deserve an answer? No.
But because I am emotionally invested I sure feel like I do.
And that’s what I try to remember when people come at me with questions and confusion. They want to believe in marriage. They want something that lasts in an unstable world.
Maybe in some way you were emotionally invested in my story. I used to write about Christian dating and relationships. I used to speak at singles conferences. I planted a church. I married a pastor. We were a moving and shaking couple. I know it’s not what you expected. It’s not a happy ending.
And I don’t have an easy answer you can Google.
All I can say is that at that time, I spoke my truth…or at the very least, what I desperately wanted to be true. And If I’ve let you down in some way, I apologize for letting you believe that marriage is some sort of fairy tale. That if you only date the right way or behave the right way everything will work out.
Relationships are way more complicated than a “How to” list for Christian Mingle or a 3 point sermon.
Some of you may know we struggled with infertility. I went through 8 miscarriages during my marriage and lost both my parents. Without a doubt, grief changes people. Things I once accepted as normal no longer worked. And if you looked up co-dependent, my round cheeked face popped up as the poster child.
If you want to cast blame, then throw some of the stones my way. Just make sure to pry that log out of your own eye so you can see where to toss your boulder.
I admittedly changed. I grew strong and learned to stand up for myself. But I also made mistakes. No one gets out of divorce with a clean slate. There was hurt on both sides.
Many of you wrote to me and said you were sorry. Me too. I’m truly sorry. Something precious was lost. But something was also gained. And that’s God’s tremendous grace in a hot mess.
I haven’t lost my faith, I still love the church, attend church, and I believe Jesus is the answer to just about everything. But as I’ve said before, your spiritual health is only as good as your emotional health and that’s a journey I am committed to pursuing.
And I’m imagining for Christina and Ant, their emotions are similar, No one get’s married thinking they will get divorced.
Here’s the deal. I changed my relationship status.
But I’m under no illusions this time around. I know I will still take me and all my issues into this relationship. I know he’s human and so am I. And I know ALL relationships take work, sacrifice and a daily dying to self.
While my old love story didn’t pan out, the real happy ending is not that I found love again…it’s that I finally started loving myself.
Do they have a status for that on social media?
–Sam
