When I tell people how long my engagement was –a mere four and a half months, they look surprised.
“Well we waited,” I stammer trying to explain.
“Oh, so you dated for many years and then you finally tied the knot?”
“Uuuhhh, no…we dated for fifteen months and WAITED to have sex.”
“What? Why? Are you Mormon?”
“No.”
Blank stare.
And so I explain why we chose purity and a bit of our story (see “Is Purity Relevant Today” for an explanation). But then the inevitable happens. The sex questions start.
“Ok, so I get the beautiful romance part. You guys have this awesome God love, but how did you know the sex part wouldn’t suck? “
And I know what they are really saying is… “What if he can’t perform? He could be a secret eunuch, or have erectile dysfunction, or be weird, or a thousand other awfuls. And how would a silly little pure girl know?” Smart girls apparently try the meat before they buy the bull.
Big gulp. “I knew his parts worked because for fifteen months he lived in a constant state of anticipation. No amount of denim can hide that. When he kissed me goodnight I could tell the man had finesse. When he cuddled me I knew he was tender. And when I looked into his eyes I saw raw desire -a caged lion waiting to be unleashed on our honeymoon night.
“But how far did you go? Where did you draw the line?”
When people ask me this I want to weep. Because it means there is a fundamental disconnect between their belief in God and BELIEVING God. And I know the difference because I walked down this road too many times.
Here is what I discovered…If I BELIEVE God, I trust that waiting for the booty will be awesome. I trust He loves me more than I love myself. I trust He has a chosen a man and/or woman who will delight me. And ultimately I trust if I follow his guidance I won’t be unsatisfied.
If I believe in God but make up my own rules I am operating under selfish tendencies. I take because I feel entitled. I corrupt because God is withholding. I use sex to get my needs met-attention, power, control, release, and manipulation. Sex becomes an act.
When I remove God, who is love, out of the mix I remove real love from sex. You might love sex. You might even feel loving towards the person you are sleeping with. But let’s be honest here…real love is patient, it is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking. It does not rejoice in evil, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. (From 1 Cor. 13)
When was the last time your hook-up encapsulated any one of these?
Real love doesn’t leave you wondering if the guy is going to jump out of bed in the morning and bail before you smell the Folgers. Real love showers your front door with rose petals on Valentine’s Day instead of a text at 4:00pm saying “Happy Heart Day.” Real love doesn’t push for a blow job because it’s technically not intercourse. And real love doesn’t leave a girl in the dark wondering how he feels about her.
I wasn’t disappointed on my wedding night (don’t want to boast here). But even if there were issues, I am confidant my husband would have been open with me. Love does not deceive. So when I hear about people who played by all the rules and waited for sex and then had problems, I have to ask if maybe they substituted rules instead of relationship: if authenticity and vulnerability were masked by a fear of being known? The idea of naked and unashamed is not merely sexual -it includes full disclosure.
Purity is about love. About treating someone the way you want to be treated -with honor and respect. It’s not about how far you can bend the rules. That’s just a warped form of legalism.
How far did Tim and I go? We kissed. We necked like high school kids at a Drive In theatre and there were too many nights to count when Tim actually got up to run to the restroom and called me from his car ten minutes later. Like Joseph he fled from temptation, even though half the time I didn’t even know he was struggling. He also had a group of guys holding him accountable.
But everyone’s limits are different. If you can’t kiss a girl without ripping off her clothes then don’t kiss her. Give her a peck on the check. If holding hands makes you crazy…well then you might need some professional help. And if you tell me you can go really far without any issues, you’ve missed the point entirely. (Re-read 1 Cor. 13).
Waiting might look different to each individual and/or couple but purity is the same. It’s not about how far is too far -it’s about choosing to BELIEVE God has got your back and marriage is well worth the wait!
