Lent hit home in a new way for me this year. I like to think of it as my caveman experience.
Sure, I’ve given stuff up before. I’ve fasted a little, prayed a little and given some of the “stuff” up I put too much emphasis on.
But this time it was different. This year Jesus took me deep into the wilderness.
It started with Keto.
Tim and I did the low carb diet in February. We had high hopes to lose a few lbs and get in shape.But one of us had some weird side effects.
That would be me. I stopped sleeping.
Sam’s body in ketosis is a navy seal on steroids. Basically, I felt like Wonder Woman with a surplus of energy.
I only needed 3-4 hours of sleep a night. Think of all those extra hours in the day!
Let’s just say I got $h1t done. Lot’s of it. I mean, I went from snoozing 8 hours a night to having a surplus of 4-5 hours in the day.
I was on fire. Losing weight. Wearing clothes I hadn’t worn in 4 years. Working at all hours of the day. Turning the coffee pot on at 2:00 A.M. to start the day.
Feeling good and PRODUCTIVE and energized!
It was a Keto high of colossal proportions. I felt buzzed all the time without anything to make me feel that way other than my body burning up my fat as fuel. Whoo Hoo!!!
I was simply eating lots of vegetables, fat and protein.
My Keto high lasted for 3 or 4 solid weeks. It was ridiculously awesome.
Until it wasn’t.
Around week 4 fatigue started to catch up to me.I got punchy. My filter for saying innapropriate things dissipated along with the pounds. I was a walking yawn. So, so so tired, but unable to sleep.
I started cussing more. I felt out of control when it came to my mouth. It was like someone slipped me sodium pentothal, and there are just some things that don’t need to be said.
I honestly got more sleep when I had babies–at least I could piece-meal together 5 or 6 hours a night.
By week 5 exhaustion was kicking my ass. I got dizzy at the gym. I almost fell asleep driving. I melted down at work and laughed until I cried and then really started crying because I couldn’t reel it back in.
My co-workers just looked at me in bewilderment.
I am normally a pretty disciplined and self- controlled human.
But this chick was on the edge. Sleep torture is real. I felt unstable emotionally.
Primal. Ragged. Raw. Like a girl on the streets trying to claw her way back to into normalcy.
When I hit 40 days my prayers got real.
I just needed RELIEF. My thoughts were racing. All I could whisper was Jesus over and over.
Then a word came to me.
Lent.
This is what Jesus went through. This is the wilderness.
Obviously Jesus’ scenario was extremely worse and my foray into the desert is on no way on par with his sacrifice and temptations, but to me, it was a Lenton experience.
When Jesus walked away from food and water and into the dry land to be tempted he gave up all his coping mechanisms and faced the enemy with nothing but his faith.
And here I was…a walking zombie with stress hitting me from every side. Loved ones facing scary health challenges. Uncertainty. The thought of more loss dangling in the air like a balloon a mile high in the sky that you can see but not grasp..
I begged God to deliver from this sleep hell. Melatonin wasn’t working. Was it some type of spiritual battle? I was already fasting and praying, what was I missing?
So, I called in reinforcements.
I reached out to a good friend and got real and we talked about my broken parts. The ones that I can cover up when I have my makeup and rice and facade of control.
We talked about the spiderwebs in the recesses of my soul.
The parts that scream out for attention.
The impulses I bury deep but that find their way out when I strip away the layers of protection I shield my ugliness with.
Why do I stir the pot when I’m feeling insecure? Why do I mutter the “s” word under my breath like I have turrets when things go sideways? I’m a paradoxial mess…working my ass off to fend off financial insecurity and alternately pulling the blonde card when I’m overwhelmed or maybe just a little lazy? And why do I always feel like I have to prove my worth–which basically turns into social awkwardness every time I “try” too hard making me feel even more exposed and vulnerable.
So, I went back to Jesus. This time with a sacrifice of not just repentance, but unawered questions and a bag of tears over the sin I can’t seem to scrub off.
That very evening this beautiful girl came up to me after a class I help teach at church. She told me my blog was helping to change her identity and to remember her worth in God’s eyes.
And for a brief moment I felt like such a fraud. Here I am, wounded and reeling and she see’s something in me, I can’t even see in myself.
Because I forget too.
But in her eyes I saw Jesus reminding me of who I am.
Not perfect. Not even close…but still pursued and cherished.
My heart took a deep breath because I was carrying so much guilt over my sleep deprived “crazy.”
I don’t have to live the lie or DENY my sin. Maybe my best gift and your best gift to the world is to simply share our inadequacy.
Let’s be honest, it’s not like I can hide my “Jacked Up.”
When I hold back and conceal my wounds, my inner darkness can neither be healed nor become a light for others.
As Dietrich Bonhoffer said, “guilt is an idol.”
I can choose to walk in the forgiveness I am offered or stew in the struggle.
And in the gap of my shortcomings He stands and rescues. Open arms in spite of my brokenness and hesitation.
I am being transformed even as I stumble forward one small step at a time.
I’m still not sleeping well even though I went off the Keto diet.
If I make it to the 4’s (AM) it’s a good day. Obviously, I messed with my bodies delicate chemical balance and it derailed me.
I’m also still struggling with my less than stellar coping mechanisms, although I only cussed once yesterday (#progress)!
I’ve added back in rice and a little wine on the weekends and gotten a few nights of quasi-rest but I continue to exist in a sleep deprived state.
It’s honestly not the best me maybe but it’s more of the real me.
I’ve learned some interesting things about myself in this weakened state that no one warned me about in the Keto manual.
Sometimes I need help. Some battles are more than I can face alone. I need my friends to pray for me and cry with me when the ache is more than I can bear.
Being a Keto Wonder Woman is over-rated. Carbs might be the enemy for some…but for me they are also sanity!
As Max Lucado put so elegantly, “The circumstances we ask God to change are often the circumstances God is using to change us.”
–Samantha
