They say a woman’s greatest basic need is security. We ladies like to know the bills will be paid, there’s a roof over our head and if we are infirmed–someone will, at the very least care for the kids.
But what happens when a woman jumps ship?
Voluntarily throws herself off the boat and swims for the shore. Knowing full well the waters are dangerous and possibly shark infested, but feeling like if she stays on the boat any longer she’ll drown anyway?
When I got divorced, one of my greatest fears was financial.
I pictured myself in a crappy apartment, old and alone, surviving on spam and bankrupt social security. Yeah…I went there.
Could I make it on my own? Was I enough…alone? I was employed, yes, but could I really make it? Could I thrive?
These were big scary questions that didn’t have easy answers.
But stepping into a new story rarely let’s you skip to the last page.
It does however remind you that you are braver than you think. And moving out of an unhealthy situation was a small act of courage that prompted me to ask another big question.
Did I have what it takes to start my own business?
I mean the timing was absolute shit. It was Spring 2020. In the midst of the Great Covid–full of masks, paranoia and lockdown. Yet that still small voice said, “It’s now or never girlfriend!”
I made lists of all the reasons it was a bad idea. I lovingly gazed at my hard-earned savings account and I wrestled with God each day.
And then I let it all go and jumped ship once again.
This time I hit the water running as a single mom with two kids in college, and one still in elementary private school. With high tuitions looming, dance bills and horse lessons taunting me the whole way.
I was scared, terrified really, but determined to try something big and crazy.
Eleanor Roosevelt said, “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
I battled self-doubt, certainly, but it was time to kick that junk to the curb.
I had lies to overcome and a chip on my shoulder just big enough to light a fire under my ass and propel me forward.
A few months ago, my little Kolby competed in a dance competition with her solo lyrical performance. The award ceremony was on Zoom. We curled up in front of the computer on a Sunday night to hear the results and how her studio fared.
One by one, they called off all the junior level girls she dances with. But Kolby’s name was not in the ranking or even mentioned.
Crickets.
And she was devastated. She curled up in my arms and cried her heart out. Kolby had certainly danced well. She left it all on the table. But in that moment, she thought no one noticed.
It was crushing.
Kolby’s phone buzzed with non-stop texts from her excited friends. I wanted to fling it across the room for tormenting us. I held my little girl as her body heaved with sadness and those feelings we all battle every day, “Am I enough?”
I whispered to her over and over the truth of her worth.
And then in an instant everything changed. Her name was called. They had moved her up into an older division. She placed in the overalls against more advanced dancers. What?
Her tears of distraught turned to elation, joyful hiccups and relief.
Maybe she was “enough.”
We’ve had so many conversations about this pivitol moment. Because in all truth, nothing was different about her performance. Abolutely NOTHING!
But it was the way she perceived it. Am I a winner or a loser? Do I have what it takes to make it on my own? Will my hard work pay off?
Yes…my darling child it will. You are enough. In God’s sight. In my eyes. YOU ARE ENOUGH!
And even if it doesn’t pan out with an award, you still win because you danced your heart out baby!
Thirteen months ago I started my marketing agency on the side. I hustled my ass off and began to build a business while still working my old job. I worked non-stop. Then seven months ago I went full time. Eighteen clients later I have now replaced my income, have a small team and no longer live in the terror of that question haunting me.
It’s the same old me looking back in the mirror, but I know… that I know… that I know…that I can take care of myself this time around. Only my PERCEPTION CHANGED!
I did the work. I believed in what I was doing even on the toughest days. I pushed through the doubts. And I danced my heart out.
The one thing I have learned through starting my business is to be confidant in who I am and the skills I offer. I’m not perfect, not even close. but I’m perfectly willing to go the extra mile for my clients. I’m perfectly willing to pivot when I make a mistake and keep going. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
I learned that if you work for the applause of a crowd (or a person who is never satisfied) you will never feel like you are enough.
But when you dance (or work) for yourself, confidant in your worth, no applause is necessary.
–Samantha
AKA “Girl Boss” of Crossroads OC Marketing
