I look outside and sigh. Ashes fall from the sky like chunky rain. The sun is wearing a reddish hue and the sky looks indignant–a heavy charcoal cloud spewing forth it’s wrath on my white car. It smells like someone is barbecuing around the corner. Unfortunately, the only thing getting cooked here is the nearby San Bernadino Mountains.
The conditions are apocalyptic at best. After a choking morning run, I stopped and snapped this pic at a home I often pass by. The mom probably told the kids to clean up their mess and this is how they left it— an upside down doll on an elaborate contraption. The babydoll resonates with me. I feel a little upside down in the world machine right now too.
I grab the remote, but don’t feel like watching TV. Mainly because my favorite TV buddy-my middle daughter Faith, is gone. I drove with her back up to school over a month ago to Tempe to resume classes at Arizona State. She’s a sorority girl now and kicking butt. I’m so proud of her it hurts. I’m also so sad she’s gone it hurts. It feels like I’ve launched her off to college now twice. And this time might be even harder. This time I’m even more attached.
Do I dare say it? I know everyone hated the stay-at-home orders, but I miss the days when my kids were forced to hangout with me.
March……..Apprrriiilll…MAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY.
It was if the racing minutes slowed down. I’ve heard so many people say that this felt like the longest shortest season they’ve EVER experienced. Life was a blur of fear and lines at the grocery store, masks and anxiety.
BUT, it was also a time of endless movies, long conversations over chips and salsa, DoorDash, my girls going to work with me, remote learning and all the shreiks of twenty four 4th graders on a Zoom chat, our dog over the moon from all the attention, and so much laughter and joy amidst the uncertainty.
It truly was the best of times during the worst of times. I have never been so in touch with my girls and as self aware.
When you strip away all the external fluff in life, it’s the basics that shine through. It’s the simple moments that emerge as the truest parts of our humanity.
It’s holding my daughters hand on the sofa as our eyes get misty in a sappy movie, or singing the “Baby Yoda” song at the top of our lungs in the Starbucks Drive-thru. It’s buying way too many dog toys at Hala’s Pets because it was the only store open in town during the shut down.
It will never be a job or money that define our lives, but the moments that take our breath away—like the dog gulping down a pupachino and laughing hysterically with my kids.
Because time with the ones you love, oh sacred time, you are the great treasure.
For six whole months I got to be roomies with my college age daughter along with my little one. And while “roomies” sounds kinda weird, like I know it’s my kid and all, the circumstances were unique. I got divorced. We moved out of our home right as the stay-at-home orders hit. We all clung to each other and it bonded us in a way I could only dream of.
Yes, I moved during Covid. Let me tell how much fun that was. I rented an apartment sight unseen, and the property management people launched a set of keys at me from a very safe distance. That first night we moved in was a trip. Sitting on the floor with my girls in this new space, chowing on tacos and drinking margaritas (obviously Kolby’s was non-alcoholic). Looking at each other like, “Holy Cow…this is for reals.”
Believe it or not, I gave my older daughter the master bedroom so she could have her own space, for her friends and her schoolwork. I just wanted her to feel safe and at home. I could see how hard it was leaving her neighborhood and home. I could feel her putting on a strong front while feeling overwhelmed too. The master bedroom helped. It became her own her little kingdom with an open door to all her friends. I loved having these kids over and getting to know them in ways I didn’t before.
Mainly because I was simply too busy. Ouch that’s hard to own.
Kolby and I, on the other hand, shared the smaller room decorated a la Kolby and we slept on horse sheets. I only mention that because I still can’t believe I paid so much for those Pottery Barn sheets, And then there’s the fact that I’m 48 sleeping on horse sheets. That too.
I’ll never forget the night I came home this summer and there was a young man (one of Faith’s friends) who was passed out in MY bed. While I knew she had some friends over for a hang out, we do have one big rule-“no one sleeps in mama’s bedroom”. But apparently, he slipped in there when the other kids fell asleep. Faith had the hardest time moving him and finally asked me if she could just leave him.
Seriously?
Uh….NO! Let’s grab his feet and drag him!
I noticed different things about my girls spending so much time with them.
While Faith is the social animal of my three, she is also a tremendously diligent student. I used to have to twist her arm to get her to study in high school, now she goes into her study cave and only reappears for snacks. What? And her friends are the best! They are encouraging and relational and so sweet and mature. I learned they love charcuterie and wine straight from the bottle- glasses are optional. College kids certainly know how to celebrate life and they remind me to lighten up and enjoy the moment. I’ve laughed more this summer than I have in years and I learned that Whiteclaw is an essential beverage to every college students success. Who knew?
But while Faith loves to play, she also needs her down time and that’s when I got all the love. Movies and dinners together. Target adventures. Endless masked coffee runs. Talks about life and healing and starting over. She pushed me to go on my first date and my second and talked me through all the feels of falling in love. She is thoughtful and vibrant and knowing my girl as an almost grown up is so different than as a child. We can confide in one another now and I don’t have to have all the answers any more. She’s certainly smart enough now to figure it out on her own.
I’m not saying I’ve advocated my parent role by any means, trust me, I’m still the funds for her fabulous life. But I’m more of a guide now and less of an authority and that’s a wonderful place to be.
I’m still Mommy to my little one though, and while Kolby’s always been my mini-me, she’s growing up too. She loves to “do” things and stay busy. So, we baked and made crafts, taught the dog tricks and hiked and shopped at every store we could find open. We went to the beach as soon as we could and it’s been our go-to hang out all summer. I think we all fell in love with nature again.
I love the smell of the stables as Kolby rides like a princess on her lesson horse Pillow, the weird tween movies we watch with popcorn and snuggles, and the looks of exasperation we give one another when no one is looking. Kolby is a “no drama little mama,” a ten year old with the insight of an adult. She misses nothing. She loves to lay next to me at night and listen to my meditative prayer app to fall asleep. We have sleepovers with friends often and I love hearing their giggles as I close my eyes at night. Joy is the best sleep sound ever.
The truth is before Covid and before my divorce, I was always so busy doing stuff, I missed out on some of the really good stuff. I spent so much of my time serving everyone else, working multiple jobs, volunteering at church, teaching, ministry, driving to football, cheer and dance, writing and going non-stop that I didn’t have time to stop and smell the roses, you know, the ones I shed blood over planting in my own garden?
Covid changed that and I’m so so so grateful. I got to really know my kids like never before. A global fear and undercurrent of “who knows what the hell is happening” is a great starting place to bond. And while I’m super sad for our country and all the loss I’m also deeply grateful for this window of time I got with my kids to know their hearts so well and simply be with my grown up girl and my growing up girl.
For me, Covid-19 had some serious blessings. It launched me off the hamster wheel of life and brought me back to the main things—faith, love and family. In crisis we come together and realize what really matters.
And right now I sure miss my Faith and I’m deliberately taking the time to slow down and enjoy every moment I’ve got with my little girl.
Thank you Covid.
Blessings,
Sam
