I’m not very good at fasting. Only once, did I manage three days without food, and it was traumatic enough to avoid repeating –ever.
But I recently came across an idea –or motto really, I thought was worthy of emulating. It was a line in a mediocre movie that somehow made the film memorable because it stuck in my head and won’t go away, lodged in like a piece of sticky gum to the indent of a shoe.
The depressed male protagonist reaches for a drink and offers one to the lovely lady he desires. She admonishes him, pushes away the cocktail and states, “I don’t drink to feel better, I only drink to feel EVEN better.”
What a line! A string of words so powerful I’m still thinking about it six months later.
Hmmmm?
Do I drink to feel better or do I drink to feel EVEN better?
So, after much contemplation, I decided to try a little self-examination and take a month off of drinking alcohol, noting my motives and becoming self-aware of the moments I might be inclined to reach for a glass of wine or order up a frothy margarita to feel better.
Now, I’m not a big drinker. Some of my friends call me neurotic regarding my self-imposed limitations. I almost never have more than two drinks unless its vacation and the effects are extended far throughout the day. It’s a control thing, and a Jesus thing, and an issue with idiot’s thing –namely I don’t want to act like one.
But that being said, I’m no teetotaler. I do like the mommy sippy cup on a Friday night, the skinny margarita on a Saturday afternoon, and the soothing mimosa of a Sunday brunch. When I check off the box at the doctor I fess up to three drinks a week –maybe four.
It’s been ten days now of my self-imposed drinking fast and this is what I’ve discovered.
When it’s been a tough week of work, I feel entitled to a drink. Stress, fatigue, kids…these all make me long for release, for the languid relaxation a good Cabernet has to offer. If the wine accompanies chocolate…it’s even better.
On Saturdays when I am with my family and friends I want to celebrate. I think my motives are the most appropriate here. I’m happy, content and genuinely desire to enjoy relationships, a good meal and rejoice in my blessings.
But the toughest one to admit is I how much I long for a drink at brunch on Sunday following church. And this one could go either way regarding the “feel better or EVEN better scale”. Certain Sundays I feel encouraged and buoyant with joy and determination, but there are other days I feel exposed and prickly. Maybe the pastor hit a little too close to home and my emotions are in a tangled turmoil.
But out of rote habit I order a drink because it’s just what I do on Sunday –not a very good reason.
I also noticed when we cut out the drinks how I reached for sugar instead. I wanted to stop and get a mocha coconut frappachino after church if I couldn’t have a glass of wine –darn it!
This little experiment has made me inordinately aware of my coping mechanisms and the emotions behind them.
I want to be the kind of person who takes every hurt and tension to the Lord. But the truth is, I sprinkle a few burdens at the gym, drop off some more on a good run, hand a few over to chocolate and release the last voluntary dregs to a margarita.
Then, and only then, do I hand over all the stuff I can’t control to God. I can imagine him watching me carrying around my big pile of junk and chuckling at my woebegone state…just waiting for me to come and lay it at his feet.
We have about twenty more days of our drinking fast (I roped my husband into doing it as well) and it’s been deeply revealing about the state of my heart and where I turn to cope with the beautiful chaos of life.
How about you? Do you drink to feel better, or to feel EVEN better?
